This is Buc'in' Cray

So we're here at the last week of the season and we've gotten to this point.  I can't say that I thought we'd have to deal with Carolina as an actual team that plays professional football, but here we are.  Situation is that all the Saints need to do to get in the dance is win against the buc's.  That shouldn't be a big deal.  If we want to be crowned prom queen we have to beat the bucs and Atlanta has to beat Carolina.  I....I've never wanted Atlanta to win before, so I don't know what it's supposed to look like but here it goes. 

Dear Atlanta,
           For once, can you not be the idiot...Hold on, let me start again.

Dear Atlanta,
           Please win.  I mean, do you want to get beaten in your own house by a dude who for no religious or cultural reasons wears a head-dress while he's on the sidelines?  It's not right.  Please, do better than your best and beat Carolina.  It'd mean a lot and maybe when it's non-football season we can be frenemies. 

Ashley

..........That's about as nice as I could make it.  Apparently we're living in the times when math teachers in Seattle are being called back up to the big leagues to fight the good fight from the left bench.  Granted, that's the NFC East and...yeah.  I have additional motives other than being a Saints superfan.  Should New Orleans get the Wild Card and should the Eagles get a date to come to the dance, we're probably going to play each other.  I'm not scared of the Eagles even up north, but my boyfriend's family including my boyfriend are Eagles fans (they're from Philly).  I might have to get a babysitter for my son because I don't want him to be present with all of the shit-talkery that's going down between his father and I, and his father's family.  So please, lets win, have Atlanta beat Carolina, and I can rest easy.  It's all I really wanted.

To discuss the matter at hand of the Saints v Bucs, I first need to google search who the Buc's QB is after Freeman dipped out and went to the Vikings (I think).  Okay so it's Mike Glennon.  I kid you not when I tell you this picture popped up when searching his name:

 

 

Apparently in the days of math teachers moonlighting on the second string, the physics department, not to be outdone, sends their strongest looking high school student to star in the show as well.  Well alright then...

 

Drew (Praise Breesus) had a limited practice on Wednesday but was back up to full throttle on Thursday with the team citing a knee issue.  I had no idea there was anything wrong with his knee but okay, I hope everything is all good now.  Hot-Damn Jimmy Graham has been fighting injury all season, but I think he should be good to go this game.  Upon reviewing the injury report for Week 17, it looks like everyone who is on it is probable.  I'm reading down this list and everything looks fairly normal, calf injuries, back, knee, shoulder...and then I get to PT with an eye injury.  Ex-squeeze me?  WTF was your eye doing getting injured in football?  More importantly, who the F injures someone's eye like that?  You need to procure one of those helmet shields that I see players using.  That'll prevent those pesky eye injuries...

 

Alright, I've got stuff to do around here while the dictator is taking his morning constitutional. 

 

Praise Breesus, Geaux Saints, and for one last time in the regular season, Bless You Boys!



They call it.......North Cackilack.....

It's the dictator's nap time so I've got a few free minutes...His other 'life-giver' aka dad, aka Steve, aka Pip, aka, Seriously?  and I took him out in the snow which aside from the adorableness of the cute bear suit he was in, was apparently an unpleasurable activity as the snow hit his face and he determined that he did not care for such behavior out of the weather and demanded through a series of high pitched frequencies that we take him inside poste haste.  All of that from this little guy...

So we've got a big game ahead of us tonight, and fortunately the weather conditions are on our side.  (I know its in a dome.)  And unlike Seattle needing to summon Storm and Banshee from the X-men to beat the Saints, we're going to take on Carolina with good ol' fashioned football.  Cam clearly was not thinking when he pulled that trick-a-roo with the refs and that BS penalty call.  If he was, he would have remembered that the Saints are known for hitting like they mean it and refrained from irritating the zebras that are out there to protect him.  Because they do.  There's not going to be any slight nudge here, or a accidental brush there.  No, Malcom Jenkins is going to knock the wind out of him so freaking hard the first five rows are going to think they just felt a brees (pun INTENTED) in the 'dome.  Oh and guess who didn't see shit?  The refs.  That's who.  Even if they did, we've had a few of our defensive players proudly take the 15 for unnecessary roughness (Sharper - looking in your direction....remember when you made that dude bounce?  I do, but I bet he doesn't...)

After the kick in the crotch loss to Seattle, the Saints are going to be out for a little blood.  It might have been a short week but it was plenty of enough time for Payton and Brees (praise Breesus) to formulate a myriad of plays to run against the Carolina defense.  Gandalf was no doubt consulting his circle of wizards to come up with some interesting things to do with the Saints' defense.  I wouldn't be surprised if a few of the Panthers walk away needing to take a few days just to regroup.

This is a really important game because the Panthers and the Saints have the same record and we need to clinch the 2nd seed and our division.  In reviewing Carolina's schedule, its kind of a crap shoot because they lost to the Bills (hahahah), the Seahawks (dick), and the Cardinals (....what?).  And the rest of the wins haven't really been against any notable teams.  Aside from the Pats, it looks like they've had a pretty easy seas-y. 

Until now. 

Shit, the dictator is stirring...I have to work fast. 

Anyway, the Saints have beaten some pretty impressive teams this season.  We've had a confusing loss to the Jets, but I mean come on, who's going to play tough against the Jets?  They're not going to the playoffs so why try?  That being said, our offense is looking pretty good.  Brees (praise) is back to having a wide variety of people who no one has ever heard of that are able to catch the darts that he throws into the end zone.  Hot-Damn Jimmy Graham is set and ready to go, so that'll be a lovely sight to see, bein' all tall and catching things that people of average or slightly above height are not meant to catch.  (Ok so the dictator is awake and I had to bring him downstairs because he wasn't buying that it was still naptime and started laughing at me which then made me laugh because lets be honest who doesn't laugh when a three month old starts laughing? He's staring at me so my time here is limited.)  

The game is going down in the Saints' house tonight, so lets make it a good show.  Word is that the Saints are going to try and beat the record for the loudest indoor noise ever created as a big, "F you, Seattle, show up in our house and we'll break your earballs".  So fans - bring your noise-cancelling headphones and scream your face off.   Let's get a W for our city, boys.  Bless you boys, and as always, GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!!!

Shut up, San Francisco.

We've got a Monday Night Football game to talk about this morning (for another 13 minutes by the start of this post).  Its RGIII vs Colin Kaepernick.  (I think that's how you spell it), and some receivers and runners.  I've started to notice that every time someone mentions SF in any context, I immediately and involuntarily roll my eyes to some degree.  And I feel that its justified for many reasons, despite everyone else I know having such a hard on for the City by the Bay.

SF is really kind of all over the map this season.  They've had some good wins, and some ugly losses.  One of those losses was to my lovely Saints (Geaux Saints!).  I think popular opinion has SF taking this game, and probably rightfully so.  However, the Redskins are a team that is amazing at letting you think you can predict an outcome to an almost 100% degree level of certainty and yank it away from you.  And just when you think, "There is no possible way they can lose this game", they will find a way.  THEY WILL FIND IT.  I feel like the Skins should change their anthem from the Hail to the Redskins to the "I need a hero" song.  Its apropos right now.  Skins fans are some of the most die-hard fans I've ever met, despite Dan Snyder giving them every reason to jump ship he could possibly think of - including trying to charge extra to tail gate (he's going to football hell for that one).  So hopefully the Skins can pull of a W in prime time and give the fans just a little glimmer of hope. 

I swore to god I would never step foot in the city of San Francisco.  Unfortunately I went like three years ago.  It was July.  And it was cold.  It could have been super-awesome-city-fun-time-forever and the fact that it was cold in July just made me even more pissed off.  And the aggressive homeless and/or hipsters...wow.  Anyway, their QB's trademark is kissing his biceps.  If that doesn't win you "Biggest Douche in the Universe" Award then frankly I don't know what will.  And lets talk about their coach trying to challenge like he's Sean Payton.  Negatron my good man, negatron.  I could almost FEEL the tantrum waves coming through the TV when you lost your second challenge.  It. Felt. Wonderful. 

Heads up - Saints game this Sunday got flexed to Prime Time at 8:30 EST (yay!).  Carolina is apparently an alright team and so Rog' decided he wanted to make some money off them and so on and so forth.  Cam - meet me at Camera 3.

Really dude?  That guy barely even touched you and you flew like

you were on a SouthWest flight.  Uncool.  Leave that shit for FIFA, man. 

What's next?  You going to bring your vuvuzela?

 Try that shit with the Saints and see what happens. 

Plus, now that every ref has seen you make an ass out of them

and then SMILE about it like you got away with something?

 - our defense is going to punch you in the face

and guess who "didn't see it"?

 

 



Throwback Thursday....

You again, ey Atlanta?


A few things need to be covered before I dive into the cur-fuckery that is this NFC South match-up. I think its no secret that I love the NFL, specifically the New Orleans Saints. One would think that this love would translate into wanting to see the team I love play as often as possible. I'm beginning to sour on these Thursday night games for several reasons. One, because theyre not available to everyone. You have to have the NFL network I think. That's kind of not cool and basically imposing a psuedo-crueler-than-usual-bye-week on their fans if they can't afford or otherwise object to cable. Two, a Sunday to Thursday is not enough time to rest between games. I just don't think it is. Now if two teams are coming off a bye week, sure have the game on a Thursday. But don't make a team that just played a shit-kicker of a game on Sunday go at it again on Thursday, its just not right in my mind.

Alright I'll step down from the soap box.
(Although it is a nice view for a short person like me up there....)

A few years back I wrote a list of ten reasons why I hate Atlanta. All of those reasons are still true. I'd like to add a few more.
1.) Its the genesis setting of "The Walking Dead" that my boyfriend loooooooooves to watch. I like the story line they have going, but the whole apocolypse thing freaks me out and frankly its just too gory and graphic. 2.) Anyone who's ever starred in the show, "The Real Housewives of Atlanta". I just don't get it.
3.) You think a new stadium is going to do something for you? Good luck with that.
4.) I don't have a fourth right now but god-dammit I HATE ATLANTA!
Actually know you what? I do. They're ok with calling themselves "Dirty birds". Thats disgusting. End of story.

And now on to my heavenly Saints......
Hot-Damn Jimmy Graham has done more in my fantasies I mean fantasy football games than predicted and I thank him for that. He's been an excellent go to for Drew Brees (praise Breesus). I have a friend named Rachael who is basically the Jimmy Graham to my Drew Brees (praise). She's the tall person of the relationship that kicks ass, takes names, and gets shit done that I can't (like reach for things on high shelves, push people I don't like, etc. and in Jim's case, make TD's) Sprolios is injured (graphic injury last week) which makes me sad, but I'd rather him take a TO and get well for the playoffs. And Im fairly certain we'll get there because we've got the NFC South on lock as sure as Atlanta has, "Shittiest Team in the Universe Award" 36 years and running. Stills, listen, whatever you're doing - keep doing it. I like it. I'm impressed by it. Even if the Falcon's D line was talkin a bunch of smack about your mother. I highly doubt she did that.

Drew (praise Breesus) - Dude is your neck okay????? I love how everyone was like, "oh well it was just high up on the chest it wasnt an illegal hit". I saw the pictures. It was illegal. That guy almost made space for another vertebrae in your neck. Using the, "it was just high up on the chest" defense would be like kicking a dude in the balls and being like, "No it was just really high up and in the center of the legs". No. Shit. Sherlock.

Coach Payton - you're the boss dog. I feel like if you got a tall staff and raised your arms thunder and lightening would occur in the stadium and the sea of fans would part. Keep using your wizard Gandalf to create magic over there.

Speaking of Gandalf.....all I want for christmas is a pan shot to Rob Ryan after a huge defensive stop screaming, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!" Its all I want. Someone please make that happen.

That being said, I'd just like to take a small moment here and reflect on how much I love the Saints and how awesome they are to the city of New Orleans, and how much I miss New Orleans. Bless you boys and GEAUX SAINTS!!!!

Sam(my) and the Jets

A few things first:
1.) If this post abruptly ends, Sam woke up. 
2.) His nickname is Sam, not Sammy.  The title is merely appropriate for the allusion to Benny and the Jets. 


So this week against the Saints we are looking at the Jets.  They're not a real notable team considering they employed Mark Sanchez for the longest time and any team with a QB that has a last name that involves a nasty sexual encounter is not set for success.  Like you wouldn't respect a team that had a QB named Jake Steamer or something like that, you know?

An interesting factoid about this match up is that its Gandalf v. Jarred (Rob v Rex).  The meaning behind Gandalf is obvious once you see Rob's glorious mane (image may be copyrighted?)
 (You couldn't fake a better picture than this to help make the point)

and Jarred is related to Rex's new dietary ventures (Side note: Totally admirable, I wish the guy all the success in the world because its about his health first and foremost). 



(God-Damn) Jimmy Graham is at it again, catching touchdown passes that were lodged from the freaking locker room (praise Breesus).   Hartley, you have ONE JOB.  I'll admit a 43 yarder isn't easy in cold weather, but get it together bro-sef.  I started Stills this week on my fantasy team and he is not disappointing me.  I hope he has a showing like last week when he started on the left bench of my team and got 20something odd points.  Sprolio-skies needs a long run under his belt because he's starting to remind me (Im so sorry, Darren) of Mark Ingraham.  I'd like to see some more work from PT as well. 

The Jets drafted Geno Smith as basically an F you to Sanchez.  Im not sure why they wouldn't just say F you, because watching the Hard Knocks special about the Jets would have you thinking that was their mode d'emploi.  From the last stats I checked, he has 8 td's for the season.  Drew Breesus (praise Breesus) has like 20.  That's all I'm going to say about this team because I don't believe in kicking a horse too hard when it's down. 


Other teams to note:
Miami Dolphins
          There's some scandal going on with this team involving the dude named Incognito that I referenced in the previous post about the Saints v Dolphins.  Apparently this guy was bullying some other team member into the equivalent of giving him his lunch money (by NFL standards that's 15k for a trip to Vegas).  First of all, your name is Incognito which ironically makes you the most conspicuous motherf-cker alive.   Second, what the hell are you doing bullying people for 15k?  Don't you sneeze 15k when you have a cold?  Damn man....

Redskins
           This is the local team so I have a lot of skins fans as friends.  This team single handedly breaks the hearts of 75% of my friend base.  My life would be a lot easier if they had a few more W's under their belts because everyone becomes a miserable SOB when they implode, which (I'm sorry guys) has been about every season since I was in second grade.  Shananahan's forehead looks like you could set a kayak down and row from side to side without touching a canyon wall.  STOP LOOKING SO SURPRISED.  It will help you look better. 

Chiefs
          Undefeated.  Who the F-CK saw that one coming?


Shit.  Sam's awake.  Act cool...

Mommeh....you will pay for your free time....in 3....2....1.....

.......................I gotta go

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaa Bearsss

(The dictator is sleeping, I must write fast for I know not how long he shall nap)

So whilst watching Sports Center (na na na, na na na sorry - had to) Mike Jaworski just compared Darren Sproles and Jimmy Graham to the movie Twins with Danny Devito and Arnold Schwartenegnehrer(sp?)....AND he just called Sean Payton, "The Decider"....am I the only one that referenced back to Dubyuh?  Regardless of the potentially offensive nature of the Twins reference, calling Payton an excellent decision maker in not so many words is an accurate portrayal of the man. 

I spent a better part of my morning than I'm willing to admit searching for the SNL Super-fan episode regarding the epic question of who would win in a fit, Coach Ditka or a Hurricane named Ditka.  This is the best I could find:

Best of SNL's Superfans

  Brilliant clip if I've ever seen one, and exceptionally hilarious.  Interestingly enough those are the only times that anyone can honestly use the words, "brilliant" and or "exceptional" with regards to the Chicago Bears. 

I hate the Bears (I hate them so much) due to the 2006 NFC Championship game that I still have yet to get over.   It was flipping cold, and the Saints just don't like the cold.  Jay Cutler should likely stick to his cameos on The League rather than play professional football if we're going for jobs that more people could respect Jay Cutler in.  Other than him, I know virtually nothing about the Bears. 

The Saints are one of the five undefeated teams left in the NFL.  Their energy is reminiscent of the magical 2009 season, I hesitate to attribute this to...Gandalf? Surely a wizard could be responsible for such a change in defense.  Sproles has been an amazing asset this season and Brees (praise Breesus) has relied heavily on his little short Danny Devito -self.  Our leading rusher last week (Miller) is a relative newbie to the team and should prove to be a benefit to our run game which has been non-existent (*cough* Ingram you were sort of a waste of a pick *cough*)

I'm really proud of the Saints this year.  A friend of mine sent me this article that is worth the read for any Saints fans out there - How Saints Became Dominant - Bill Barnwell

And as always, Bless you Boys and GEAUX SAINTS!

I've heard strange things about Dolphins....

It's true, every one of us has heard something weird about Dolphins.  You know what I'm talking about. 

Another weird fact: They're 3 - 0 as well this season.  Crazy...

Something that's a little cool about the Dolphins is that they have a guard named, "Incognito".  That's kind of awesome.  Not as awesome as Breesus, but I'm sure its the best that they can do.  Reggie Bush is no longer a Dolphin so we don't have that conflict of interest to worry about during game time.

Their schedule isn't very telling about whether or not they deserve to be a 3-0 team.  Atlanta is not off to a good start, and I'm not even going to address the Browns like they're an actual team.  The only team that gives me a bit of pause is the Colts, but I think that's some residual respect left over from the Superbowl game, which to be fair was an entirely different team than it is now. 

And lets take a minute to thank god that this game is on a Monday night.  For reasons that are beyond my reasoning ability, I slammed my finger in a car door and almost left it there.  This makes typing either very painful due to the bruising in my finger or thinking very difficult because of the Percocet in my brain.  That being said, I have a few things to say to my Saints -

Drew - I like your goal of scoring at least 40 points a game.  I'd like it even more if I were able to have you on my yahoo! fantasy team, but my love of the city of course overrides this and basically just go out there and do what you do. 

Jimbo - Thank Breesus you're on my team.  I need you to get me a lot of TD's.  You need to hold those balls tighter than a female primary care doctor who's going through a nasty divorce with a guy that her patient reminds her of and is about to ask them to cough. 

Colston - aka, the prodigal son.  Make us proud, not remorseful. 

Defense - You literally could not get any worse than last year.  There's no figure of speech about it.  Channel some of that Gregg Williams hunger for hurtin' and show Gandalf what you can do.  Speaking of which....

Gandalf (Our defensive coordinator)- nothing short of wizardry could have helped the Saints defense.  I applaud your efforts and support your witchcraft as long as it helps my Saints.  I would like to apologize in advance for any of my drunk friends (or myself) screaming, "Where's FRODO?!?!"/ "You shall not pass!" or asking  you any sort of question regarding, "One ring to rule them all", "the Shire",  the difference between midgets and Hobbits, and whether or not Gandalf has ever gotten laid. 

Someone is going to come out of this game with a 1 in the L column, and it better be the Dolphins.  Lets get reminiscent of 2009 boys!  After all, we should have two rings to rule them all.....

Bless you boys and GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!!!!

My son is ready to be a stand in for Breesus if needed.  Look how well he pulls it off....

2 and Oh?

So I've been remiss in my game commentary because I've recently come under the rule of a vicious dictator who rules this house with an iron fist and doesn't like to let me get on the internets too often....hard to believe he's already two weeks old.

(He's a cruel master but he's also the absolute love of my life)

 

The smile is coming from him knowing that he has complete and utter control over two formerly independent living adults....and 5 cats.

What he's also smiling about is that our Saints are 2-0.  And, if you ask Siri who the best team in the NFL is right now, she'll have you know that its the New Orleans Saints who are at the top.  What you wouldn't gather from her short informational schpeel is that New Orleans did not make it look pretty.  It was a goal line stand against Atlanta (this was probably for the best, make them bleed it out till the last minute) and a field goal kick against TB.  Both games heart stoppers for sure.

The upcoming game against the Cards is at home, which should prove to be a good game for the Saints.  Drew Brees (Praise Breesus) is most excellent at showing his fans a good time.  The Cards' aren't a bad team and shouldn't be under estimated.  However, I would like to take a moment and reflect on the 2009 playoff game against the Cardinals when Kurt Warner who for SOME reason thought it would be a good idea to act as a defender and got the brains knocked out of him by Will Smith (moment of reflection.......) And we're back. 

Tyrann Mathieu aka, (I shit you not) Honey Badger, is a Louisiana local as if you couldn't tell by the unnecessary vowels in his last name and that's about all that comes up when you google the upcoming match.  That and a bunch of stories about how this would be a great game for Arizona if they could win, but that's highly unlikely for them (ESPN's words, not mine, folks).

I think the feel good story of the day is about Robert Meachem.  He went off to San Diego and eventually found himself naked, jacking it on some street corner (see: South Park's KONY episode for reference).  Needless to say the Chargers cut him and the Saints being the SAINTS that they are, re-signed him.  God, what a tail between the legs conversation that must have been...Regardless, Meachem is an excellent part of our offense and I was sad to see him go, and happy to have him come back to the fold.  Hopefully he did some good recon in SD if we ever have to play them. 

Drew Brees (praise Breesus) has honed in his surgical skills and can run a two minute drill better than those dudes who are featured in the countless ED commercials during the game.  Drew - throw to the fleur de f-in lys (as Coach so eloquently phrases it) and not the red birds you see on the field.  FOr this, I thank you.  Defense - seriously how many times do I have to hear the commentators talk about how we were the WORST IN NFL HISTORY?  Can we PLEASE give them something else to talk about?  Like how many sack's AZ's QB took to the dome?  I want that man to think he was just at Southern Decadence (See: Gay Mardi Gras). 

Unfortunately that's all the time I have to comment on this game, I think the dictator is going to be waking up soon.  Geaux Saints and bless you boys!

My son is two years early so I can be a few weeks late

2013 is the year of the baby, that's no joke.  The Chinese must have left that out of their astrological calendars.

My son is due any day now and needless to say I've been equally as pre-occupied with his arrival as I have with the Saints and the pre-season.  We're going against the Texans today, a team that we've faced before in the regular season to little pomp and or circumstance.  Most people could not care less about the pre-season, and to these shit-on-Christmas-er's, I say, "Clearly you've never even tried to win fantasy football".  My boyfriend is one of these individuals.  Pre-season games are a 60 minute job interview for your 4-7 round draft picks.  They give you an opportunity to praise (or damn) your coaching staff for their picking prowess in their draft of the rooks.  The Saints are coming off their final year of good ol' Roggie G fallating himself to the tune of someone else taking responsibility for his mistakes and cover-ups. 

Another important reason for pre-season games is in the event of injuries you need to have a good knowledge of a team's depth chart if you need a quick pick to fill in for a starter.  None of this should be news to any of you though. 

I doubt Drew Brees (praise Breesus) will be making much of a show today, although he might want to get some practice throws in and get us 14 points and 200 passing yards just for fun-sies.  To this I could abide as long as there are no INJURIES.

I've caught a fair amount of the Redskin's preseason mostly because my fat ass has been pretty pre-occupado with my son's pending arrival, being what seems to resemble an understudy for Shamoo, and enduring 24 hour heartburn which has rendered me pretty useless when it comes to finding out about the Saints pre-season aside from highlights on ESPN.  Which to me would just be the entire game, but I guess to each their own.  We're 2-0 in the pre-season and I hope that we make it 3-0 because that would be lovely.  However, I would not wish this if we are in any way to risk injury.  I don't care for injuries during the pre-season.  Its about as smart as my cat Oskar trying to experiment with this new thing he's discovered called, "a lit candle".  He's never been accused of being exceptionally smart, I'll tell you that much.  That being said, here's to a new season, a new son, and the chance for me to finally start drinking again!  GEAUX SAINTS and Bless you boys!

 What I consider to be as brilliant as risking injury during the preseason.