I've heard strange things about Dolphins....

It's true, every one of us has heard something weird about Dolphins.  You know what I'm talking about. 

Another weird fact: They're 3 - 0 as well this season.  Crazy...

Something that's a little cool about the Dolphins is that they have a guard named, "Incognito".  That's kind of awesome.  Not as awesome as Breesus, but I'm sure its the best that they can do.  Reggie Bush is no longer a Dolphin so we don't have that conflict of interest to worry about during game time.

Their schedule isn't very telling about whether or not they deserve to be a 3-0 team.  Atlanta is not off to a good start, and I'm not even going to address the Browns like they're an actual team.  The only team that gives me a bit of pause is the Colts, but I think that's some residual respect left over from the Superbowl game, which to be fair was an entirely different team than it is now. 

And lets take a minute to thank god that this game is on a Monday night.  For reasons that are beyond my reasoning ability, I slammed my finger in a car door and almost left it there.  This makes typing either very painful due to the bruising in my finger or thinking very difficult because of the Percocet in my brain.  That being said, I have a few things to say to my Saints -

Drew - I like your goal of scoring at least 40 points a game.  I'd like it even more if I were able to have you on my yahoo! fantasy team, but my love of the city of course overrides this and basically just go out there and do what you do. 

Jimbo - Thank Breesus you're on my team.  I need you to get me a lot of TD's.  You need to hold those balls tighter than a female primary care doctor who's going through a nasty divorce with a guy that her patient reminds her of and is about to ask them to cough. 

Colston - aka, the prodigal son.  Make us proud, not remorseful. 

Defense - You literally could not get any worse than last year.  There's no figure of speech about it.  Channel some of that Gregg Williams hunger for hurtin' and show Gandalf what you can do.  Speaking of which....

Gandalf (Our defensive coordinator)- nothing short of wizardry could have helped the Saints defense.  I applaud your efforts and support your witchcraft as long as it helps my Saints.  I would like to apologize in advance for any of my drunk friends (or myself) screaming, "Where's FRODO?!?!"/ "You shall not pass!" or asking  you any sort of question regarding, "One ring to rule them all", "the Shire",  the difference between midgets and Hobbits, and whether or not Gandalf has ever gotten laid. 

Someone is going to come out of this game with a 1 in the L column, and it better be the Dolphins.  Lets get reminiscent of 2009 boys!  After all, we should have two rings to rule them all.....

Bless you boys and GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!!!!

My son is ready to be a stand in for Breesus if needed.  Look how well he pulls it off....

2 and Oh?

So I've been remiss in my game commentary because I've recently come under the rule of a vicious dictator who rules this house with an iron fist and doesn't like to let me get on the internets too often....hard to believe he's already two weeks old.

(He's a cruel master but he's also the absolute love of my life)

 

The smile is coming from him knowing that he has complete and utter control over two formerly independent living adults....and 5 cats.

What he's also smiling about is that our Saints are 2-0.  And, if you ask Siri who the best team in the NFL is right now, she'll have you know that its the New Orleans Saints who are at the top.  What you wouldn't gather from her short informational schpeel is that New Orleans did not make it look pretty.  It was a goal line stand against Atlanta (this was probably for the best, make them bleed it out till the last minute) and a field goal kick against TB.  Both games heart stoppers for sure.

The upcoming game against the Cards is at home, which should prove to be a good game for the Saints.  Drew Brees (Praise Breesus) is most excellent at showing his fans a good time.  The Cards' aren't a bad team and shouldn't be under estimated.  However, I would like to take a moment and reflect on the 2009 playoff game against the Cardinals when Kurt Warner who for SOME reason thought it would be a good idea to act as a defender and got the brains knocked out of him by Will Smith (moment of reflection.......) And we're back. 

Tyrann Mathieu aka, (I shit you not) Honey Badger, is a Louisiana local as if you couldn't tell by the unnecessary vowels in his last name and that's about all that comes up when you google the upcoming match.  That and a bunch of stories about how this would be a great game for Arizona if they could win, but that's highly unlikely for them (ESPN's words, not mine, folks).

I think the feel good story of the day is about Robert Meachem.  He went off to San Diego and eventually found himself naked, jacking it on some street corner (see: South Park's KONY episode for reference).  Needless to say the Chargers cut him and the Saints being the SAINTS that they are, re-signed him.  God, what a tail between the legs conversation that must have been...Regardless, Meachem is an excellent part of our offense and I was sad to see him go, and happy to have him come back to the fold.  Hopefully he did some good recon in SD if we ever have to play them. 

Drew Brees (praise Breesus) has honed in his surgical skills and can run a two minute drill better than those dudes who are featured in the countless ED commercials during the game.  Drew - throw to the fleur de f-in lys (as Coach so eloquently phrases it) and not the red birds you see on the field.  FOr this, I thank you.  Defense - seriously how many times do I have to hear the commentators talk about how we were the WORST IN NFL HISTORY?  Can we PLEASE give them something else to talk about?  Like how many sack's AZ's QB took to the dome?  I want that man to think he was just at Southern Decadence (See: Gay Mardi Gras). 

Unfortunately that's all the time I have to comment on this game, I think the dictator is going to be waking up soon.  Geaux Saints and bless you boys!

My son is two years early so I can be a few weeks late

2013 is the year of the baby, that's no joke.  The Chinese must have left that out of their astrological calendars.

My son is due any day now and needless to say I've been equally as pre-occupied with his arrival as I have with the Saints and the pre-season.  We're going against the Texans today, a team that we've faced before in the regular season to little pomp and or circumstance.  Most people could not care less about the pre-season, and to these shit-on-Christmas-er's, I say, "Clearly you've never even tried to win fantasy football".  My boyfriend is one of these individuals.  Pre-season games are a 60 minute job interview for your 4-7 round draft picks.  They give you an opportunity to praise (or damn) your coaching staff for their picking prowess in their draft of the rooks.  The Saints are coming off their final year of good ol' Roggie G fallating himself to the tune of someone else taking responsibility for his mistakes and cover-ups. 

Another important reason for pre-season games is in the event of injuries you need to have a good knowledge of a team's depth chart if you need a quick pick to fill in for a starter.  None of this should be news to any of you though. 

I doubt Drew Brees (praise Breesus) will be making much of a show today, although he might want to get some practice throws in and get us 14 points and 200 passing yards just for fun-sies.  To this I could abide as long as there are no INJURIES.

I've caught a fair amount of the Redskin's preseason mostly because my fat ass has been pretty pre-occupado with my son's pending arrival, being what seems to resemble an understudy for Shamoo, and enduring 24 hour heartburn which has rendered me pretty useless when it comes to finding out about the Saints pre-season aside from highlights on ESPN.  Which to me would just be the entire game, but I guess to each their own.  We're 2-0 in the pre-season and I hope that we make it 3-0 because that would be lovely.  However, I would not wish this if we are in any way to risk injury.  I don't care for injuries during the pre-season.  Its about as smart as my cat Oskar trying to experiment with this new thing he's discovered called, "a lit candle".  He's never been accused of being exceptionally smart, I'll tell you that much.  That being said, here's to a new season, a new son, and the chance for me to finally start drinking again!  GEAUX SAINTS and Bless you boys!

 What I consider to be as brilliant as risking injury during the preseason. 

Saints and Panthers and Redskins and Cowboys (oh my)

We've got a rare double header today in which I'm invested in more than game's outcome.  Obviously, the primary interest goes to the Saints and the Panthers.  Not because there is anything riding on it, but because it is one last opportunity to say, "F you, Roger Goodell.  You'd be wise to watch the Superbowl from home this year".   There's nothing to even say about the Panthers because theyre terrible this year.  The Saints defense does look like it's got a flat tire somewhere but hopefully that'll get fixed next year.  I'm a big fan of the conspiracy theory that Roger Goodell screwed the Saints more than Eliot Spitzer and that Client 9 lady because he didnt want there to be a home team for the Superbowl and the Saints (prior to this clusterfuck of a season) were a good contender.  Whatever, screw him anyway.  I hope Drew Breesus (praise Breesus) has a good game and we have a good end to the season. 

Now on to a much more influential division rivalry game today, the Redskins vs. Cowboys.  I would say the majority of people I know hate the Cowboys.  I can think of three people off the top of my head that for reasons beyond my comprehension, like them.  I hope those people aren't about to read what I'm going to say.  Because it'll probably be really offensive. 

So lets take a look at the two teams.  We'll start first with the Redskins.  They've got a rookie QB who, if he's not careful, is going to injure himself.  Luckily, this guy is so good, his fumbles turn into points in a league where there is no forward progress given to fumbles in a lot of cases.  Yet he did it.  And he was like, yeah, I did that.  A lot of the receivers he has fly under the radar so teams don't really look at them during tape study sessions.  So then when RG3 throws the ball down the field, everyone thinks its going to either hit some poor camera guy in the face or knock some cheerleader to the ground, BOOM, some rando from the backfield shows up, catches it, and does the Charleston into the end-zone.  I'm not even a fan and I think that's impressive. 

The defense has always been somewhat hilarious to me in the sense that they physically like to harm people.  Not like to physically harm people, okay - because apparently if you say that Roger Goodell will show up and try to screw you and take your money like some weird, albino looking hooker.  Anyway, so no - they physically enjoy knocking people to the ground.  It gives them the butterflies in their tummies.  After they do so, they skip around in joyous celebration as (in this case) the broken Cowboy lays on the ground and can only ask, "why?" 

Aaand now on to the Cowboys....There's not much one can say about Tony Romo without making offensive homophobic jokes.  Maybe there's a reason for that, who knows.   The fact of the matter is, he's an overrated QB who has little to offer and really, really, small eyes.  Like really.  Its creepy.  His wife looks EXACTLY like her brother, which doesn't make her not attractive, it makes them both of them rather androgynous looking and I find it disconcerting. 

Their receivers alright, but its a matter of getting the ball to them.  Romo can't do it.  And when he does, he celebrates like he won the superbowl.  Dude, you just did your job.  That'd be like me celebrating each time I saw a client for 50 minutes and didn't be like, "Okay no seriously, what the hell were you thinking?"  I don't celebrate each time I don't do that, because not doing that is my job. 

I hope the Redskins win the game, because we gained an angel in the cheering section today.  It broke our hearts but he had to go where he was needed more I guess.  As I was telling a good friend of mine earlier this week, unless the previous pope was a cowboys fan, I think we've got enough pull up there to sway the man upstairs to influence the score in our favor. 

So, Geaux Saints, bless you boys.  And go Redskins.  And I miss you Jason, we all do. 

Little Ado About Football...

I've taken somewhat of a sabbatical from this blog for various reasons, and upon my return can you believe I would use it to talk about stuff other than football?  Crazy, I know. 

I write this with a heavy heart because a very dear friend of mine was killed on Christmas eve morning outside his house, from multiple gun shot wounds.  I'm about to get together with some friends as we always do when we've suffered the loss of a friend.  The world isn't as bright and sunny now that Jason's not in it anymore.  I could sit here and list the things I wish that could have happened anywhere from wishing hegot the chance to meet my boyfriend to I wish I could have prevented what happened to him somehow...I'm not going to because it wouldn't serve any purpose to let anyone know what I wish, especially when there is nothing that we can do about it. 

But, to quote the Shawshank Redemption, "I hope..."

I hope that in losing Jason we gain a greater awareness of how much we all mean to each other.  I hope that Jason's family leans on the support of so many of Jason's friends that are more than willing to shoulder any part of the burden that they can for his family.  I hope they find out who killed him.  I hope they are brought to justice.  And I hope that we find a way to perpetuate Jason's name to mean something that he stood for, to tell people who he was and why we loved him.  Like Morgan Freeman said, "I hope..."

Niner-Niner

So we're coming off a pretty strong win, and we'd all like to keep this momentum going.  What better way to do that than to beat the team that dashed our playoff hopes last year? 

Drew Breesus (Praise Breesus) is going to throw balls at more people than Channing Tatum in Magic Mike.  I say this based on assumption as I haven't seen the movie, but from what I saw in the hilarious trailers for it, I think that's pretty much what happened for 90 minutes or however long the movie is. 

I want my receivers Colston, Graham, and Henderson to make as many catches as physically possible.  Breesus' passes are easier to catch than a case of the Clap from the Tipitina Train... (those of you who know, hahahaha!).  There is no reason why there should be any dropped passes today! 

Defense....I want you to envision every SF receiver as Gregg Williams running to Roger Goodell to tattle on you some more.  Get him, drive his face into the grass, and walk away.   Whoever Harbaugh decides to play at the QB spot, picture Roger with his weird, blonde or ginger looking hair that's a mix of what would happen should Conan O'Brien and Donald Trump combine genetic materials.  And that freakin' confused look on his face....I want a pick six to slap that look right of Co-Trump's face. 

Lets get out there, play our hearts out and give Coach every reason he already has to come back to us and to be excited to do so. 

Bless you Boys and Geaux Saints!!

Flip-Flip-Flip-adelphia

As we gather here on this Monday night to engage in the weekly tradition that garners more attention than most of the monotheistic religions combined, we should take a moment and pay some respect for the people who are dealing with Shitstorm...I mean Superstorm Sandy. 

..........moment of silence...........

Aaaaand now on to football.

So we're looking at two teams that have a relatively tragic record here.  I have to be careful about talking shit about the Eagles due to the fact that my now live-in boyfriend is from Philadelphia.  But his extended family takes their liberties in talking shit about the Saints so I might be safe here.  We'll see when I get home I guess.  The Saints are coming off a loss to Denver, which sucks but we're a team in recovery mode.  Its like this entire season is reminiscent of the day after Mardi Gras where you're trying your hardest to get things done but dammit, you just dont have the motivation and you're tired and uncoordinated. 

I have a feeling that Drew Breesus (praise Breesus) will put on a good show for the home team tonight.  I need a few hand off's to PT for TD's so I can W.I.N. this week in fantasy.  My opponent, who happens to be my best friend, has Rapeless-burger and Vick as her QBs and I'll be DAMNED if my Saint of a quarterback and team lose to a man who doesnt know the meaning of and cant even spell the word, "Stop", and his back up who might be one of the worst people alive.  After the draft I was like, "Are you just like anti-women AND dogs?"  I made her look her two puppies in the eye and tell them what she had done.  They both gave her the sad face and then asked for treats.  Dogs can be forgiving like that I suppose.  If it had been cats, they'd still be milking those insults-for-picks. 

My defense needs to develop an appetite for Eagle meat tonight.  I've heard of these groups of rich people going around and eating exotic animals (weird and creepy) and I'd like my Saints to take a page from their books and take down more Eagles than a poacher with no conscience.  I want our defense to engage in such trickery that it makes the Eagles' offense look like a bunch of Angry Birds being launched in different directions, each missing their targets of course. 

Drew Breesus needs to be the Bill Clinton to his offenses' Barack Obama.  He's going to set it up, and Colston, Henderson, PT, Graham, Moore, and Robinson are going to knock 'em down.  Breesus is going to all 'Bill Clinton' the defense, make 'em feel all special and stuff, then BAM, next thing they know they're on their knees and theres a congressional hearing about their actions. 

So that being said, I'd like to conclude with a request that anyone who can, find a way to donate to our friends to the north who are dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.  Those of us who call New Orleans our home know all to well what they are going through, and its cold up there.  We know what its like to see the place that we love decimated and under water.  We know what it means....  You can text REDCROSS to 90999 and donate 10 bucks to the American Red Cross who I can say with first hand knowledge is amazing at helping people in these situations.  There are countless ways to donate, and if you want to find out more, please email me at Ashleyinks@gmail.com and I will be more than happy to help you help others. 

So GEAUX SAINTS and Bless you boys!  Lets get a W over these nasty birds!!